lustbandit (lustbandit) wrote in unrequited_love,


My first experience with unrequited love was in high school, like most people. I was one of those smart kids in class, but I never really knew how to carry myself with confidence like a beautiful girl would (something I learned to feign much easier in college). I was in love with this guy, because we'd have the best conversations and a mutual interest in punk music and changing the world. I told him how I felt for him to pretty much say he loved a girl who was a close friend of mine and asked me if I could talk to her about him. Five years later, we've all graduated college, and we're on our way to changing the world... and he is engaged to my friend. I really haven't talked to both of them much beyond our senior year of high school, but I ran into both of them on one break from college and it was just an awkward experience. I had spent so long crying about the fact that he didn't like me and I couldn't stop thinking about him.

My next real unrequited love was when I told a guy that I liked him, again because he was easy to talk to and it was after a time when I had a tough time trusting guys and I felt comfortable with him almost immediately. I felt like these things all meant something to me. We spent a great weekend together and I felt a genuine close attachment to him. However, he pretty much told me that I wasn't relationship worthy because I was agnostic and not a Christian. Then, when I spent a month or so crying over how unfair I felt that was because it made it sound like it made me less of a human being and that it went against the basic tenents of Christianity to love and accept others for their differences in the most radical way... he told me that it also had to do with the fact that we were at two different points in our life, because I was still in college. Then, he started dating a girl who was still in high school when he was twenty-five himself. Seriously!

Then, I was in a relationship with a guy who cheated on me. It was lame and I'm torn between no one should ever be cheated on or everyone should be cheated on at some point in their lives. I learned a lot about myself for having been through that, but again, my trust had been shattered once again because he made claims on trying to fix that for me because of his caring for me.

After that long period, I wanted to be with that guy again until I met this other guy, Ryan. Ryan was great. He listened to the same music that I did, his passions and views on life were so in line with mine. He called and texted me daily and acted as though I was someone important in his life. When we kissed, it was magical, because I felt as though our kisses were electric in a good way. They was just major chemistry there and a mutual respect of what each other had been through (he knew my story as I knew his, which involved a cheating wife). We slept together and when I left to go home, he was like "Why are you doing that?" and I was like, "Well during break I live with my parents... and they're strict.." and he's like, "But you're 21..." and I'm like, "I know, but I was raped at eighteen and they like me to come home at night so they don't worry." He pulled me close to him and kissed me harder, like he really cared about me. Then, he decided to move away to a new state and said that he was removing everything from the old state from his life, because it reminded him of how crappy his life was there. He wanted a fresh slate. I never knew that this meant me, because he kept talking to me as though nothing had changed. I looked for my post-graduate job in his area and he never once discouraged this. Then, eventually, he texts me about how dramatic his situation was at work, because this one guy left his long term girlfriend for this girl, Jennifer. However, he had been secretly seeing Jennifer who was a mutual friend of theirs. Really, this made me feel like shit about myself, because I really thought I had finally found a guy that would love and respect me... instead, he was just as bad (or worse) than the rest. I admitted to him how much it upset me and he pretty much said, "What? What you and I had was nothing, relatively speaking." I drank an entire bottle of liquor that night and spent a while not being myself and pining after him. I sent him myspace messages telling him how much he hurt me, because he knew how much it had hurt me in the past when people sleep with you and then leave... and how he did exactly what hurt me. Sometimes, I still go to his myspace just to make myself feel badly... and sometimes, I look at hers and wonder what it is that she has that I didn't to make him feel electrically in love with her (she doesn't look impressive).

Now... the new situation...

I like a guy. Again, he is smart and keeps my interest. He's just a pretty cool dude. He is funny in the nerdiest way. I like spending time with him and being with him... but he refuses to make out with me. He tells me he likes me, wants to be with me, tells me that I'm beautiful... but when I would ask him to hang out with me, he would blow me off, travellign to Philadelphia both times we were going to hang out and make out on the beach. He would always call me as he was driving away and converse with me. He would complain about how he was unlucky in life and in love and in all things not grad school. He admitted that if we both stayed in the same place (our hometown), he would love to be with me... but he can't handle a serious relationship with grad school, teaching calculus, finishing his master's thesis, applying for his doctorate. Then, he complains about how girls don't hit on him because he's a nerd... and I have... and he also tells me how he thinks he hates people because they're never there for him... and despite my feeling frustrated with him telling me that he doesn't want a physical relationship with me and him wanting me to be there whenever it's convenient for him, I'm still there for him. He will tempt me and tease me with sending me pictures of him shirtless and then talk about how beautiful/gorgeous/great/cute I am. But he refuses to see me, still, because he is "afraid of getting attached" to me.

So yeah, after all of this, I feel like the hero of unrequited feelings. It is what it is, right?
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