Je55 (cinquante_cinq) wrote in unrequited_love,

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The story of A and J

I'm J.  

About 4 years ago (wow, didn't realize it had been that long until now) I met this very sweet guy (online) and would talk about art stuff for hours (he's a writer, I'm an artist).  As things tend to happen, we began to grow quite fond of one another, but neither one of us knew the other felt the same... you get the idea.  (Incidentally, I knew I felt that way when we were saying goodnight one night and I realized that I was about to say 'I love you' and had to stop myself.)

Whatever, the point is, we fessed up to each other and things were good.  I came home from college for the summer just days after this happened, and it carried on all summer.  Letters, phone calls, you know the drill.  He wrote me poetry about how I had changed his life and made it better.  We talked about getting engaged in the future and maybe moving in together for a while as a trial sort of thing.

So, college resumes, and I, feeling something lacking but unsure of how to express myself and not wanting to hurt him, stupidly decided to find comfort in someone else.  Of course, loving A as much as I did (do?), I couldn't lie to him so I told him in what was a pretty shitty way (suddenly and with no warning).  We decided to break up, and I got more involved with the idiot I cheated on him with.  Suffice it to say, after about a month the idiot and I were fighting constantly, and I knew then that the problems that A and I were having were nothing as serious as this, and I should have just talked to him about them.  So, I told A how I felt and he said that he could forgive me and we got back together.  Not wanting to hurt him further, I completely avoided mentioning what I did.  And not talking through it made things worse.  He was jealous of what I did with friends, I was angry that he didn't seem to care what was going on, and he was still dealing with trust issues and I think some residual anger.
After about a month of this, he told me that he was not over what had happened, and even though he tried to pretend it could be okay again, he just couldn't feel the same way, and we broke up.
Even though I could sense this coming, and the way we were going wasn't healthy at all, it still hurt.

And now, 4+ years later, it hurts worse.  A few months ago, I found (by accident) an lj he created after our 2nd breakup that talks about his pain, and how he still thinks of me, but I wouldn't want to know what he thinks (ouch).
He has a myspace...  I still see him around occasionally.
And over the past 6 months or so, I've been dreaming about him.  Always good dreams.  I think I really miss him.  Or at least want to tell him how sorry I am, and how 4 years has given me plenty of time to mature and see what an awful girlfriend I was.  And how much I cried because I loved him so deeply.

I'm just afraid to contact him.  Afraid that he'll reject me.  Afraid he'll tell me he's got a great new g/f and he never thinks of me.
I'm also afraid to open old wounds.  He doesn't deserve to be hurt by me ever again.
But still...

Would it be wrong to send him a letter?
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