It's been three years since I first met him.
It's been two years and a half since I first 'noticed' him. (Noticed as in noticed).
It's been two years since he left the country and went to work in GB.
It's been six months since he slept with my friend.
Three days since he called me and said he's back for a week and wants to meet in a pub or something.
It's been 56 hours since we hugged 'hello' and talked for 5 minutes 'cause I had to get to work.
Now I'm checking my phone every five minutes to see if he called, cause he promised to take me and some of our friends to a bar, to have some 'welcome-and-goodbye' party.
Hi. I'm syuan and I'm new to the community. Decided to post here, because I don't have anybody to talk about it. About Him. And I need somebody to tell me what is it? What's the thing that's going on here?
Imagine that you've just started at university, right after high school. You're shy, fat, unattractive and you stay away from the m ost of your group-mates. (not that you *are* like this, but just imagine it. Because that's what I am...) There's this girl, redhead, mad-laughing and open to other people. She starts talking to you and you feel good, cause she introduces you to the rest of group. After three weeks there's a group of 10 students you hang out with. You're 19 but you've never been to a pub. That's pathetic, but you can make it up to yourself. And there's This Guy. He's nice, he listens to you, he's so cool, his hobby is car racing, he's really interested when you tell him that you write stories, fantasy stories. It's wonderful to know that actually somebody *wants* to read one of your works. And you feel this warmth when the next day the first thing you hear is "Did you bring it?" And you pull the notebook from the bag and give him this precious work of yours and something inside you grows bigger.
But he already has a girlfriend. you know it. And it's okay. They've been together before you met him, so you don't even think about him in that way. But with time, it turns out that he grew on you and it's getting worse. After the first semester at the unicersity you're changed. You know every pub in the city. You have more friends than before, and people actually invite you to a party and they really like you. your new friends consider you to be one of the best persons, because you don't like hurting people.
And then He says he's not going to graduate with you. He's going to GB to work with some friends of his. You think 'OK, sure, I can take it. There's a lot of other men.' Two days before he leaves you're at the Redhead's place, you, Him, and the Redhead. She goes out the room to prepare something to drink, you don't really care, because you sit next to him and you have this moment, this epiphany, when he's looking into your eyes and you smile at him. He smiles back. You don't say much. For God's sake you've never flirted with another man, but this smile is kinda natural. And after five seconds the Redhead comes back. It's late in the evening so he drives you home. Nothing happens, even though you've considered telling him that you like him very much. You've never told anybody that you like them. The words are just empty for you. You've never even told that to your sisters, who're very special for you... So you don't tell him. There's a goodbye-hug and a peck on the cheek (because all of you greet each other this way, girls and guys, so it's no different from other greetings.)
And there's long, long time without him. Sometimes he comes back for a week but he soon leaves. You keep reminding yourself that he's already taken. You start wondering if it is a kind of an idealisation caused by the distance and the rare visits.
'The tragedy' takes place in Febuary. It's birthday of a friend from your group. *HE* is there, and the Redhead, and lots of other people. Finally you decide to move the party to the birthday-man's place. There's only five persons, but the party gets better. Guy's opened a bottle of Absint and after two rounds you feel very dizzy. Then the party moves to bathroom, because smoking joints on the balcony isn't a good idea. You feel even more dizzy, but you want to stay awake.
After several drags of the Mary Jane, mixed with the whole barrel of alcohol you're so tired, so damn tired, but you want to stay awake to the end of the party. You sit on the toilet seat, 'cause there's too little room for 5 people. The desk id closed, and the sink is not far, so you lean against it. You open your eyes and you see Him and the Redhead in the tub. They just talk, but you know, you know that there's something going on. But it isn't true, it can't be because they both are taken. For crying out loud, she has a boyfriend!!!
The notice that you zoned out. You remember that they managed to move you to the spare room and put you to bed, because it's not good with you. You remeber also that when you opened you eyes, the fucking Redhead was leaning and hugging Him in the frackin' doorway!.
When you wake up the next day there's only the host and his brother. Everybody else are already out. You sneak out of the flat, because it was impossible to wake up the birthday-man. He was too stoned. It's funny, because you don't have a hangover. Few days later you hear that the Redhead slept at His place, because there wasn't enough room for them, and He lives in the same neighbourhood.
So, okay. She slept at his place. You feel a bit strange. A week after He lives she says: "He asked his girl to marry him." And it's still okay, because you knew that it's going to happen, sooner or later. But the next sentence changes your world. Redhead says: "Don't worry. You just *liked8 him, and I actually *was* with him..." And you know what she means. You've told her about your feelings not so long ago, so you don't understand how could she say it now, looking straight into your face.
You don't say a word. You taste the cigarette, but it's suddenly disgusting. You hear a voice, screaming, like somebody's dying, but you don't know if it's in your head or if some kids are just having a stupid way of spending time around the building. Something drops from your chest to the stomach, and it's heavy and hard as a stone. You stop talking to her, but you also don't cry. You want to slit her throat, but you don't even tell her that she hurt you. You’re not good at telling people the truth. Sometimes it could hurt them. But it’s no good. You have to tell her, because she’s acting like nothing ever happened. She’s talking about the usual things you used to chat about, but you answer with monosyllables, and you feel sick, your stomach is tied up in thousands knots. So one day she asks: “Why are you look at me as if I were your enemy?” So you tell her. You say how much she hurt you, that usually you don’t say about how you’ve fucked with a man to every girl that fell for him. Not when you *know* how somebody feels about Him. She answers: “But nothing happened. I just wanted you to hate him, to make is easier for you to forget about him. I wanted to help.”
And you’re speechless… When did ‘got laid’ changed into ‘wanna help’??? (both are quotations, not modified.) T
The next six months is a torture, because wherever you go the Redhead follows you, just like the ‘old times’, but it’s different now. HE’s away, and you have no guts to tell her to leave you alone. So there’s the talk number 2. You finally say everything you wanted her to hear, but 5 minutes later she’s yapping like everything is alright again. So you start ignoring her and that’s the best solution. She’s leaving the country too, gonna have a job in Ireland.
And it’s getting better now. Slowly, but better. And you decide that you have to end everything with Him. Tell Him everything and ask not to call the next time he’s back.
So you start looking around, to find a man that would be worth forgetting about Him.
And then, Monday, July 31st, almost midnight, your phone rings. You answer. You hear: "Hi, It's me! I'm back for this week and wanted to see you!" He sound happy, but he always sounds this way. You could sneak out, but it's too late and there's no bus. So you arrange a meeting the next day, only for a few minutes cause you're a working girl, and there's not much time to get to work.
You wait for him at the place you both picked. After his call last night you couldn't fall asleep. But when you finally did, you had this NC-17 dream. You think this is really bad, that you shoul run for your life.
And you finally see him. He's walking towards you, across the street, Wearing white shirt with huge, red flowers painted here and there. A pipe in his hand, a real pipe, not some ugly cigarette, and you finally smell the tobacco, real tobacco, this smell you'd never forget. You hug and kiss in the cheek for 'hello'. And you forget about the dream, and about everything you imagined, because it's not important. Sex doesn't matter now. Not when he's here. He's back, he's back, he'sbackhe'sbackhe'sback!
You talk for a few minutes and agree to meet one evening with a larger group of friends in a pub. You hug and kiss on the cheek again, and for the next six hours you can smell his cologne around your collar and neck. Everytime you feel this scent you have this stupid grin on your face.
Can anyone tell me what is this? I'm scared shitless to say that it is the L-word. I don't want to persuade myself into it. He still has this girlfriend. I've met her twice and she seems to be a good girl. I like her, I suppose.
Is this an obsession? Or something else? He slept with the Redhead, he'd cheated on his girl, he's no saint, and I'm still unable to get mad at him. All the anger went towards the Red, but she's not the only one guilty here.
Sorry for the length. I suppose that nobody would read this, but it's fime with me. Just wanted to spill my guts before I go back to this pathetic life of mine. Sorry for bad words, if it broke anty rules, just delete this post.