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unrequited love

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I hate Valentine's Day!!! So I made this shirt lol [26 Jan 2012|01:23pm]



throw one out to sea

I just want today to be over [23 Jul 2011|01:36am]

The man I love is getting married in a few hours, to my friend.  Time and space is what I thought I needed. 

Time and space my ass.  After three years and hundreds of miles it still fucking hurts I wanna run to my car and travel those five hours to that little town, run down the aisle and tell him that he needs to know I love him before he marries. 

I won’t, I can’t because she’s my friend and I love her, that and I have always hated seeing her cry. 

I won’t because I know that he loves her, she’s his soulmate, his one and only, the reason he can smile every morning.  But God, he’s the reason that I cry almost every night, the reason that I came back home, the pair of lips I would give everything to taste, to feel, to worship. 

Come morning maybe at around nine I will dial her number, I will hold back my tears as I wish her a great life, I will tell her congratulations and hope that my voice doesn’t crack.  Tell her that she and he are perfect for each other; that they are the lucky ones, the fucking lucky ones who found true love and all that pink and red bullshit that human being spend their entire life searching for. 

God, fucking shit.  Mother fucking ass shit.  Damn shit fucking hell.  I fucking love him and tears me up a fucking million different ways.  I hate him. I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM.  But I would give everything for him to love me. 

Maybe I should have said something.  Maybe I still should, but I like being able to hear his voice not filled with pity.  I could never darken his big day.  God I want so much to really hate him. FUCK.
throw one out to sea

Did I waste years of my life, or is it worth it? [25 Feb 2010|10:12am]

I'm still in love but I'm realising that the guy I'm in love with, instead of growing up, has become insecure, arrogant, fake, etc. I fell in love with him when he was real, and not the way he is now. Did I waste all this time hoping he would change? He doesn't even like me now, I'm just another girl to him. I think he divides girls into two groups: Girls he wants to attract and girls he doesn't. He wants me to find him attractive, but not because I'm me, but because I'm attractive and he needs to feel that he can attract girls. I do feel like I became more patient and understanding, not just with him, but with others. Maybe it wasn't a TOTAL waste, but right now I just feel so pathetic. :(
throw one out to sea

[30 Jan 2010|05:12pm]

I have a question: In your opinion can one be in love with someone who is not in love with them? I ask because of my situation. For the last five years I've been in love with a man who I've known for ten years. Before that it was just a crush. He LIKE likes me, when I'm around, but I'm pretty sure he's not in love with me. My mum thinks you can only be in love with someone if you're in an official "relationship" and I don't agree. I DO love him. I want him to fall in love with the perfect woman, even if she isn't me. I like spending time with him and everything; however, I know I'm in love. This isn't just a crush. Please tell me I'm not the only one who believes you can be IN LOVE with someone who doesn't love you back.
10 floating bottles<3 throw one out to sea

They teach us to avoid cliches, but here you have it: a love straight out of a YA book [17 Dec 2009|11:36am]

[ mood | contemplative ]

I don't really know what I'm supposed to say so I'll be straightforward about this: I'm 18 and I just fell in love for the first time. (Holy shit, am I retarded). Anyways, the guy is a classmate of mine, we've been in the same class for 2 years now and I figured out there I might have feelings for him a couple of months ago. He's good-looking, and smart, and really, really shy. I think he got too much attention from girls in the past because he's really uncomfortable around them and as for me...well, let's just say I am in a serious need of a filter for my mouth.

Funny thing is I didn't even understand what those girls see in him...I don't see what I see in him either. We...talk, from time to time, but it's nothing deep or meaningful. I barely hear him utter more than a few sentences and this sucks because quite frankly I don't know anything about the guy...there are some things we have in common (we both have a little limp, how cool is that), but so what? He shows no interest in me, nor in any other girl, and...well, it's like a love story, straight out of a YA book. Guy shows zero inclination, and instead of sobering up, the girl hurts even more.

My behavior is starting to get ridiculous. I'm actually halting my pace if I see the bus he usually takes because he might get down from it and we may walk to class. It's ridiculous, cheesy, totally teenage and idiotic. I can barely live with myself because this situation looks that hopeless, and I can't rack my lovesick brain for any ideas because it's practically empty. I don't know whether to be angry at myself or cry: this is my last year of high school and in all likehood we may never meet again afterwards.

So here is how I see it, I can:

A/Continue like this until the end and then live it off as if it never was. I've done this the last time I thought I liked a guy and it has worked for me.

B/Grow a pair and tell him how I feel. He may never speak to me again, but given what he's seen from me until now he'd probably think I was joking and laugh it off.

C/Any suggestions?

I really need some advice here, mostly because I don't have that many friends and the ones I dare confide in don't really know what to say. What would you do?

I've never wanted a cliche so badly...

1 floating bottle<3 throw one out to sea

[17 Mar 2009|12:44am]

[ mood | okay ]

13 years ago I started working with this guy (X) and he and I hated eachother.  We could not get along for a few minutes together.  As time went on we became friends and he had a crush on me.  I was not into X though so it never went any farther.  He eventually moved away and he and I talked every so often.  Life took us in different paths and a few years passed with us only talking once or twice a year. 

In early 2005 I divorced and called X up (who lived about 1000 miles from me now).  We talked for a few months and I realized what a great guy I had passed over years before.  He came up to visit me and things got heavy.  We went on like this until late into 2006.  This guy had introduced me to the guy who would eventually become my husband and when my husband and I got serious I stopped "seeing" X.  He and I and my husband have all remained friends and I talk to X at least twice a month.  Sometimes that talk gets erotic.  My husband and I have role played X into our intimacy in the past and have discussed a 3some with him which X is totally for.

This is where it could go downhill...X and my relationship was always open.  We were never monogomous because of the distance and also because of neither of us wanting a regular relationship.  However, even though we always dated other people, I fell so in love with him, which I still am I think.  Dont get me wrong...I love my husband too...I really do, but I always have this one place for X.

Would it be a bad idea to go forward with our 3some?  I am thinking it'd be ok because I know the boundries and always have.

1 floating bottle<3 throw one out to sea

Intense! [29 Aug 2008|12:29am]

I am an unrequited love heroCollapse )
2 floating bottles<3 throw one out to sea

A Share of Events [06 Feb 2008|07:45pm]

Well I met this guy 'round third grade. He's just like another (popular) guy in school. Many of my classmates fell for him. But whenever I look at him I didn't see any spark of interest. And because of that I keep on teasing my friends for having crush on him. It's friendly teasing little did I know it will back fire.

As I have more time to analyze him, I little by little  I became interested in him. I hid my attraction to him. I went along with my friends who keep following him. Secretly I enjoyed it but I manage to pretend I'm bored. I had handful of 'small talk' with him because of school stuff. I was so naive by then.

Then my friends discovered my little secret and they told it to the whole class. I'm so embarrass that I denied it and stay away from him. It was the biggest mistake I've done in my whole life. Because at that point our friendship had broke apart.

After some years, may girls got involved with him. I'm so pathetically jealous but chose to keep my cool. I'm raging with my feeling. I'm envy with all of the people whom he talk to.

And what made me really cry is to know that he cried over a girl who don't even give a damn about him. He's so in to them. I cried every night whenever I see him try to win over the girl. How I wish I was in her place. How I wish I'm the one who he devote his life but I'm not.

I pretend I don't care even if it shows. I know my friends always see the flash of pain in my eyes behind my smile. I try to say it's okaybut it's not. The pain is to unbearable.

Up to know he still haunts my thoughts. Though we're not studying in the same school, I still hear news about him every now and then. I am still updated about every girl he taken his likings. And I still know he still like the girl back then. But now i learn to control my feelings. I learn to take the fact that it's our fate not to have a chance to be even just friends. I may regret the day I try to get away from him but now I know more. I learn to accept the reality of life.
throw one out to sea

[03 Dec 2007|03:56pm]

[ mood | jealous ]

 My 'love' story is one of the pathetic ones; where girl-likes-guy-but-guy-doesn't-like-girl... and yet girl-still-feels-for-guy. 

Okay, so... Two years ago I met this guy. Yeah. And... he was just... he was one of the few guys I could honestly see myself with. The problem is, he didn't feel the same; and after he found out from another friend, things were a bit awkward but we continued to be friends. Now, two years later, we're close friends; but I still have feelings for him. I hate the fact that I haven't gotten over him, but I guess we can't help our feelings.

The major problem is another girl; named "Ellie." She and the boy are best friends, closer than he and I. They hang out all the time, talk on the phone, and flirt outrageously. He says he doesn't feel that way about her, but I know she likes him. I can't help but feel wildly jealous and heartbroken every time I see them together. I've never hung out with him. Ever. I've tried, but he always wants to hang out in a group, and things just don't work out. Oh, but he hangs out with her alone all the time.

I'm absurdly selfish, and can't stop wondering what she has that I don't. I've spent countless Saturday nights on MSN, listening (in a sense) as he poured out everything that was going on in his life. Every problem he had, everything that bothered him, was dumped on me, and I offered the best advice I could. I'm always there for him, no matter what, yet this relationship seems to be one-way. I feel like he means more to me than I mean to him, and I hate it. I wish he felt the same way about me like I do about him, but there's nothing I can do. These feelings won't go away, and I'm eaten alive by jealousy every day. I can't stand it.

I keep my feelings hidden. I pretend we're just friends. Yet nothing changes.

3 floating bottles<3 throw one out to sea

About Demetrius and Helena [03 Dec 2007|11:20am]

[ mood | crushed ]

For 10 months I was going out with Demetrius. But things were so different from the way they were in the begining because he still loved his old crush Hermia. For a while now I noticed him saying I love you less. He would talk to my enemies after I told them why I don't talk to them. Finally I just said "It's over." He didn't really mourn for the loss of our relationship because the next day he was practically professing his love for hermia.
I still love him, and I think he knows. Hermia doesn't love him at all. Yet he still chases after her.
I don't hate her but I wish I was her. So he can love me again. And he tells everyone that he has dreams of Hermia and him kissing.
I don't know what to do.

5 floating bottles<3 throw one out to sea

The story of A and J [25 Nov 2007|02:08am]

[ mood | sad ]

I'm J.  

About 4 years ago (wow, didn't realize it had been that long until now) I met this very sweet guy (online) and would talk about art stuff for hours (he's a writer, I'm an artist).  As things tend to happen, we began to grow quite fond of one another, but neither one of us knew the other felt the same... you get the idea.  (Incidentally, I knew I felt that way when we were saying goodnight one night and I realized that I was about to say 'I love you' and had to stop myself.)

Whatever, the point is, we fessed up to each other and things were good.  I came home from college for the summer just days after this happened, and it carried on all summer.  Letters, phone calls, you know the drill.  He wrote me poetry about how I had changed his life and made it better.  We talked about getting engaged in the future and maybe moving in together for a while as a trial sort of thing.

So, college resumes, and I, feeling something lacking but unsure of how to express myself and not wanting to hurt him, stupidly decided to find comfort in someone else.  Of course, loving A as much as I did (do?), I couldn't lie to him so I told him in what was a pretty shitty way (suddenly and with no warning).  We decided to break up, and I got more involved with the idiot I cheated on him with.  Suffice it to say, after about a month the idiot and I were fighting constantly, and I knew then that the problems that A and I were having were nothing as serious as this, and I should have just talked to him about them.  So, I told A how I felt and he said that he could forgive me and we got back together.  Not wanting to hurt him further, I completely avoided mentioning what I did.  And not talking through it made things worse.  He was jealous of what I did with friends, I was angry that he didn't seem to care what was going on, and he was still dealing with trust issues and I think some residual anger.
After about a month of this, he told me that he was not over what had happened, and even though he tried to pretend it could be okay again, he just couldn't feel the same way, and we broke up.
Even though I could sense this coming, and the way we were going wasn't healthy at all, it still hurt.

And now, 4+ years later, it hurts worse.  A few months ago, I found (by accident) an lj he created after our 2nd breakup that talks about his pain, and how he still thinks of me, but I wouldn't want to know what he thinks (ouch).
He has a myspace...  I still see him around occasionally.
And over the past 6 months or so, I've been dreaming about him.  Always good dreams.  I think I really miss him.  Or at least want to tell him how sorry I am, and how 4 years has given me plenty of time to mature and see what an awful girlfriend I was.  And how much I cried because I loved him so deeply.

I'm just afraid to contact him.  Afraid that he'll reject me.  Afraid he'll tell me he's got a great new g/f and he never thinks of me.
I'm also afraid to open old wounds.  He doesn't deserve to be hurt by me ever again.
But still...

Would it be wrong to send him a letter?

5 floating bottles<3 throw one out to sea

No, darling. None. [17 Oct 2007|03:24pm]

He is a poet who loved me unconditionally for two years, despite my having an abusive boyfriend. He helped me put my life back together once I left the relationship. More than that, I suffer from severe depression and when I was hospitalized, he came daily and stayed for hours. He was tender and kind, loving and devoted. For two years we were in love every day, with lapses of time where the strain of me not being able to leave the abusive relationship was too difficult for he and I to sustain communication. For six months we were finally able to be together-we made quiet vows to one another, mimicking those of marriage, and promised to stay true and in love. Friends were envious.
A month ago he told me he's no longer in love with me, but exhausted and tired. He is trying to find a place of happiness that doesn't include me. He is cold and distant and I am in constant pain. He asked me how he is supposed to continue writing his new book of poetry when it was based on his conception of our love being eternal and unconditional? He asked me to feel bad for him, but I could only nurse my broken, shattered heart. I am finally at a place in my life where depression and abuse are no longer issues. I can give of myself happily and wholly and, now, he doesn't want me. I try to be concerned for his writing, since he says it is suffering, but I wonder where his sympathy for my broken heart is? Am I being selfish?
In tears, I begged him, "Is there no feeling of being in love left inside of you for me? None whatsoever?"
He replied, "No, darling. None."
What do I believe in now?
1 floating bottle<3 throw one out to sea

[06 Aug 2007|09:38pm]

So the man I have been in love with for 10 years came up a few weeks ago. Despite my feelings for him, I always get a little sick just thinking about spending our obligitory time together because it is so awkward, and, frankly, because I die a little inside each time I am so close to him yet cannot express this love I have for him. He makes it worse by sending frustrating mixed signals, like inviting me to family functions, cuddling on a couch with me, flirting and all that jazz. I have been trying to build up enough strength to shove him out of my life for good, and thought I had finally mustered enough strength. I set it up so my daughter would sleep over at a friends house and we would be able to talk. Things, of course, go horribly, horribly wrong (and also right). Driving back to my place we wind up holding hands, then, after watching a movie cuddled up on the couch together, he kisses me. We neck, then spend the night together. It was all very romantic. Exactly what I wanted, right? Well, he leaves in the morning to go the 6+ hours back to his place (problem #456) promising that he will try to make this work. Problem is, I know him too well and that we will be back in the same place, with his hot and cold mind games, in just a few weeks. After the consummation of our relationship, I just cant go back to being a friend. And I certainly wont be his occasional lover. But he wants what we have always had back again, with only his promise that the torture I have had to face for 10 years will go away. As much as I love him, I just cant believe he wont go right back to his old behavior, since he gets to hold onto me while still keeping me at a distance.

I feel as though my heart will literally burst. I know I have to give him an ultimatum, and I am 96% sure he will choose a life without me to the one where we make sacrifices in our lives to be together. I will find out in two weeks.
throw one out to sea

[15 Jan 2007|10:02pm]

I think I have come to a realization about my 'unrequited love'. Strangely, it came about by watching the Korean soap My Lovely Samsoon, which is so much like my life. It has been a long, hard struggle, but I finally have to admit that we will never be together. Though I am sure he loves me back, deep down, he will never admit to it. All he does is keep me hanging. I will never be good enough for him in his mind, but the idea of me being with other people pisses him off. I mean, thats the vibe he gives, despite his feigned uncaring. He constantly keeps me at arms length, not even allowing us to be freinds; then he 'swoops' down and offers the entire dream package, a "mixed tape", or spends a few amazing days with me before going back to ignoring me again. I think it would be easier if he wasnt my best freind, but he is, even with the hot/cold shit. I guess I dont really blame him, as he is in permanent denial about being in love with one so flawed; it is hard to pretend when the attraction is so explosvely evident whenever we actually do spend time together...

Anyways, I realized that our love, though real (at least to me) happened a long time ago, and it is over. I am just clinging to the past, and remembering a filtered version of even that. In truth, we were never really together, because I was never good enough for him. I was too young, then too pathetic (my parents kicked me out and all that stuff), then too fat. And we were never really freinds, because he keeps that highly regimented as well, always using our brief time together as an excuse to keep a wedge between us. The only thing keeping us in this state or uncertainty is this thin string that neither of us are willing to let go. So, I can either stay in this complete misery...or let go. It will not be easy. It will be like ripping my heart out of my chest yet again...but its better than having the birds do it every night.
throw one out to sea

[08 Dec 2006|11:07pm]

heya, i'm a newb.
here's my story-
i've had a bf for about a year and a half. there was this new guy at work who i didn't notice until i caught him writing poetry one day. i've been writing for ten years myself, so i thought it was cool. i asked him if i coiuld read it and at first he said, i don't let people read my work.' then he changed his mind. the next thing we found in common was our love of music. we both love punk and indie. then one day i got food poisoning and could hardly do my job. i had two jobs, the day job being an office job. i went home early to get rest becuase i didnt have any health insurance to get a doctor's note away from the second job. well at work he did my job for me pretty much. in return i gave him a hug. apparently this set something off. one day a few weeks later, out of the blue, he gives me a hug. and so the seed was planted. the girl that sat next to me at the office job was dating the guy's cousin. we talkeed about him alot, and she could tell i liked him, which i didn't know myself. one day she came over to our work and invited me and him over. we would flirt at work a bit and flirted that night. once when we were alone, i said, 'i'll only hurt you.' he said, 'ive been hurt before it's ok.' he asked if i wanted to talk about it, and so we did.. in our friend's empty spare room. one thing led to another and we were kissing an holding each other. it felt so amazing so strange. so we would see each other for the next week and talk until i couldn;t keep it a secret anymore. i'm a bad liar. so i told him what happened and he was very upset. he was ok with me hanging out with him for a couple days after that and then he blew a fuse. i was supposed to hang out with him, so i went to tell him what happened. i was very angry at first because he seemed high. so we went out to my car to talk about it, and he thought it would be best for us to not see each other outside of work. he did this for me. so that i would not be upset anymore. weeks pass.. the only sentiment we express is hugging outside and sometimes insidee of work, with some flirting in work. but i start to notice things. he mostly ignores me at work. i ask him to call me; he doesn't. the last time he showed affection was when he was drunk at a party(he kissed me). so i confronted him about it.. i guess i went at it the wrong way. i could never get a straight answer out of him; he'd always say he was afraid of my bf, which is understood but not clear. so tonight i ask him, 'do you love me or not?' and, in his fashion, says no, or 'it takes me awhile to fall in love with someone.' i leave it as that. now i know he still has feelings for me, just not the same as i do. i don't know what i should do about this. i know you probably think i'm a horrible person for cheating on my bf- and i admit that was wrong and bad- but i love both of them.

i'd still like some advice.
throw one out to sea

Oh well. [01 Sep 2006|02:22pm]

He told me loves me.He said I am his everything, he said he would do anything for me. He said he's never felt so strongly for anyone before. He said this all to me. He said he wants to marry me, that I make him so happy. I'm wonderful I'm great he says. He also said I'm perfect. I was happy with him, I wanted it to work. Until I found out the last time he said "I LOVE YOU" and "MEAN IT" was four months ago (after he broke up with me) to someone else. And not recently to me when we last spoke. I mean nothing to him. He's lied to me, I can't believe what he says. I refuse to. It sucks because I thought I loved him. I pictured us doing everything together. Now I just see myself. But I'm okay with that. And that makes me smile.
4 floating bottles<3 throw one out to sea

[27 Aug 2006|10:50pm]

I met him three years ago over the summer. I fell for him, hard. He was taken. He lives hours away. We've kept talking through all these years and I finally saw him recently. We kissed and I have never felt so madly in love. But the distance is impossible, he's a bad communicator, and his life is so different than mine. I feel like I love him so much more than he loves me. But I can't give up on him. I want to fix him. I want it to be real. I could spend the rest of my life with him. I miss him so much I can hardly breathe.
1 floating bottle<3 throw one out to sea

Memory of his cologne and a dream.... [04 Aug 2006|12:01pm]

[ mood | numb ]

It's been three years since I first met him.
It's been two years and a half since I first 'noticed' him. (Noticed as in noticed).
It's been two years since he left the country and went to work in GB.
It's been six months since he slept with my friend.
Three days since he called me and said he's back for a week and wants to meet in a pub or something.
It's been 56 hours since we hugged 'hello' and talked for 5 minutes 'cause I had to get to work.

Now I'm checking my phone every five minutes to see if he called, cause he promised to take me and some of our friends to a bar, to have some 'welcome-and-goodbye' party.

Hi. I'm syuan and I'm new to the community. Decided to post here, because I don't have anybody to talk about it. About Him. And I need somebody to tell me what is it? What's the thing that's going on here?

Imagine that you've just started at university, right after high school. You're shy, fat, unattractive and you stay away from the m ost of your group-mates. (not that you *are* like this, but just imagine it. Because that's what I am...) There's this girl, redhead, mad-laughing and open to other people. She starts talking to you and you feel good, cause she introduces you to the rest of group. After three weeks there's a group of 10 students you hang out with. You're 19 but you've never been to a pub. That's pathetic, but you can make it up to yourself. And there's This Guy. He's nice, he listens to you, he's so cool, his hobby is car racing, he's really interested when you tell him that you write stories, fantasy stories. It's wonderful to know that actually somebody *wants* to read one of your works. And you feel this warmth when the next day the first thing you hear is "Did you bring it?" And you pull the notebook from the bag and give him this precious work of yours and something inside you grows bigger.

But he already has a girlfriend. you know it. And it's okay. They've been together before you met him, so you don't even think about him in that way. But with time, it turns out that he grew on you and it's getting worse. After the first semester at the unicersity you're changed. You know every pub in the city. You have more friends than before, and people actually invite you to a party and they really like you. your new friends consider you to be one of the best persons, because you don't like hurting people.

And then He says he's not going to graduate with you. He's going to GB to work with some friends of his. You think 'OK, sure, I can take it. There's a lot of other men.' Two days before he leaves you're at the Redhead's place, you, Him, and the Redhead. She goes out the room to prepare something to drink, you don't really care, because you sit next to him and you have this moment, this epiphany, when he's looking into your eyes and you smile at him. He smiles back. You don't say much. For God's sake you've never flirted with another man, but this smile is kinda natural. And after five seconds the Redhead comes back. It's late in the evening so he drives you home. Nothing happens, even though you've considered telling him that you like him very much. You've never told anybody that you like them. The words are just empty for you. You've never even told that to your sisters, who're very special for you... So you don't tell him. There's a goodbye-hug and a peck on the cheek (because all of you greet each other this way, girls and guys, so it's no different from other greetings.)

And there's long, long time without him. Sometimes he comes back for a week but he soon leaves. You keep reminding yourself that he's already taken. You start wondering if it is a kind of an idealisation caused by the distance and the rare visits.

'The tragedy' takes place in Febuary. It's birthday of a friend from your group. *HE* is there, and the Redhead, and lots of other people. Finally you decide to move the party to the birthday-man's place. There's only five persons, but the party gets better. Guy's opened a bottle of Absint and after two rounds you feel very dizzy. Then the party moves to bathroom, because smoking joints on the balcony isn't a good idea. You feel even more dizzy, but you want to stay awake.

After several drags of the Mary Jane, mixed with the whole barrel of alcohol you're so tired, so damn tired, but you want to stay awake to the end of the party. You sit on the toilet seat, 'cause there's too little room for 5 people. The desk id closed, and the sink is not far, so you lean against it. You open your eyes and you see Him and the Redhead in the tub. They just talk, but you know, you know that there's something going on. But it isn't true, it can't be because they both are taken. For crying out loud, she has a boyfriend!!!

The notice that you zoned out. You remember that they managed to move you to the spare room and put you to bed, because it's not good with you. You remeber also that when you opened you eyes, the fucking Redhead was leaning and hugging Him in the frackin' doorway!.

When you wake up the next day there's only the host and his brother. Everybody else are already out. You sneak out of the flat, because it was impossible to wake up the birthday-man. He was too stoned. It's funny, because you don't have a hangover. Few days later you hear that the Redhead slept at His place, because there wasn't enough room for them, and He lives in the same neighbourhood.

So, okay. She slept at his place. You feel a bit strange. A week after He lives she says: "He asked his girl to marry him." And it's still okay, because you knew that it's going to happen, sooner or later. But the next sentence changes your world. Redhead says: "Don't worry. You just *liked8 him, and I actually *was* with him..." And you know what she means. You've told her about your feelings not so long ago, so you don't understand how could she say it now, looking straight into your face.

You don't say a word. You taste the cigarette, but it's suddenly disgusting. You hear a voice, screaming, like somebody's dying, but you don't know if it's in your head or if some kids are just having a stupid way of spending time around the building. Something drops from your chest to the stomach, and it's heavy and hard as a stone. You stop talking to her, but you also don't cry. You want to slit her throat, but you don't even tell her that she hurt you. You’re not good at telling people the truth. Sometimes it could hurt them. But it’s no good. You have to tell her, because she’s acting like nothing ever happened. She’s talking about the usual things you used to chat about, but you answer with monosyllables, and you feel sick, your stomach is tied up in thousands knots. So one day she asks: “Why are you look at me as if I were your enemy?” So you tell her. You say how much she hurt you, that usually you don’t say about how you’ve fucked with a man to every girl that fell for him. Not when you *know* how somebody feels about Him. She answers: “But nothing happened. I just wanted you to hate him, to make is easier for you to forget about him. I wanted to help.”

And you’re speechless… When did ‘got laid’ changed into ‘wanna help’??? (both are quotations, not modified.) T

The next six months is a torture, because wherever you go the Redhead follows you, just like the ‘old times’, but it’s different now. HE’s away, and you have no guts to tell her to leave you alone. So there’s the talk number 2. You finally say everything you wanted her to hear, but 5 minutes later she’s yapping like everything is alright again. So you start ignoring her and that’s the best solution. She’s leaving the country too, gonna have a job in Ireland.

And it’s getting better now. Slowly, but better. And you decide that you have to end everything with Him. Tell Him everything and ask not to call the next time he’s back.

So you start looking around, to find a man that would be worth forgetting about Him.

And then, Monday, July 31st, almost midnight, your phone rings. You answer. You hear: "Hi, It's me! I'm back for this week and wanted to see you!" He sound happy, but he always sounds this way. You could sneak out, but it's too late and there's no bus. So you arrange a meeting the next day, only for a few minutes cause you're a working girl, and there's not much time to get to work.

You wait for him at the place you both picked. After his call last night you couldn't fall asleep. But when you finally did, you had this NC-17 dream. You think this is really bad, that you shoul run for your life.

And you finally see him. He's walking towards you, across the street, Wearing white shirt with huge, red flowers painted here and there. A pipe in his hand, a real pipe, not some ugly cigarette, and you finally smell the tobacco, real tobacco, this smell you'd never forget. You hug and kiss in the cheek for 'hello'. And you forget about the dream, and about everything you imagined, because it's not important. Sex doesn't matter now. Not when he's here. He's back, he's back, he'sbackhe'sbackhe'sback!

You talk for a few minutes and agree to meet one evening with a larger group of friends in a pub. You hug and kiss on the cheek again, and for the next six hours you can smell his cologne around your collar and neck. Everytime you feel this scent you have this stupid grin on your face.

Can anyone tell me what is this? I'm scared shitless to say that it is the L-word. I don't want to persuade myself into it. He still has this girlfriend. I've met her twice and she seems to be a good girl. I like her, I suppose.

Is this an obsession? Or something else? He slept with the Redhead, he'd cheated on his girl, he's no saint, and I'm still unable to get mad at him. All the anger went towards the Red, but she's not the only one guilty here.

Sorry for the length. I suppose that nobody would read this, but it's fime with me. Just wanted to spill my guts before I go back to this pathetic life of mine. Sorry for bad words, if it broke anty rules, just delete this post.

15 floating bottles<3 throw one out to sea

Advice needed for a newbie [27 Jun 2006|06:10pm]

Hey, I'm bookwibble and I'm new here. I really like the fact that this community exists; I need a place where I can vent about my unrequited crushes. I am writing because I need advice about the latest one.

my problem, sorry about the lengthCollapse )
3 floating bottles<3 throw one out to sea

A new project "Kissing garden" has been launched [24 Jun 2006|07:37pm]

A new project "Kissing garden" has been launched: very beautiful, nice
music, strong positive energy.
Kissing Garden
In the Garden fruit grow and get ripe not with the sun but with kisses.
throw one out to sea

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